The FIFA president yesterday in his press conference revealed their decision of appointing Lalit Modi from India as the commissioner of the FIFA World Cup 2014 to be held in Brazil. But why Modi?
“He has been pretty jobless for some time now. Holidaying away from India and evading arrest. So...” said the president in a language that Modi doesn’t understand.
Lalit, like always sat between two hot women whose participation was definitely not required. The man flashed his trademark ear to ear Colgate grin as the shutterbugs worked overtime.
To most questions regarding his impending trial in India, he laughed it out as if someone cracked a joke about the BCCI.
As usual, Lalit spoke business and revealed all his dynamic superfluous plans which included everything but football. But before he left, he tipped us that we send him a check with lots of zeroes for an exclusive interview where he would discuss his plan of action.
Obviously that check part wasn’t a part of our plan of action to suck information from Modi. We checked his Twitter account if he had hinted a molehill which we could make a mountain of. Sadly there was nothing. Someone had learnt to tweet.
According to our sources and instincts, here is an excerpt from the list of things what you can expect in the next world cup –
- For the first time in the history of the beautiful game, India will take part in this event. Yes, India will qualify for this world cup by playing football on the field. Please stop speculating. The Indian squad, along with the players will carry 5 coaches. 1 main coach, 1 assistant and 3 backups in case the former two are sacked or if they quit before the event starts.
- Pakistan (obviously) won’t be a part of the event. They didn’t qualify, you see.
- The event would be christened DLF FOOTBALL WORLD CUP. FIFA will be accommodated in fine letters somewhere in the corner.
- Set Max will be given exclusive rights to host this event. This will be decided through a fair bidding process. No more comments.
- In 2013, a year before the event starts, there will be a reality talent hunt. This one would be for choosing the hosts for the pre-match shows during the World Cup. Contestants who look good, can smile a lot and talk lots of nonsense will be stand a better chance. Anu Malik and Sonali Bendre would judge this event. Experience counts after all.
- All teams will be sponsored by those companies who have markets in India. Surprisingly, these will be companies whose owners are good friends of Modi.
- Paul the octopus will be banned from predicting and will be charged for match fixing. Only and only Lalit Modi will hold the right to fix matches. No other living creature can do that.
- All teams will be given weird prefixes to their country names. Just for fun you know?
- If the publicity budget is being overshot, Modi will turn to his good friend – Controversy for help.
- For a start, the name of the Nigerian team would be – “Fair and Lovely Nigerian Niggas”. The cat would be out of the bag. After this, Modi will go into hiding for four days. Hardcore publicity for free would follow. And just before the Nigerian government is about to issue a death sentence to Modi, the man with the Colgate smile will tweet an apology to the ‘lovely people of Nigeria.’ He’ll go to Nigeria, say sorry to the diplomats for he ‘unknowingly’ hurt them.
- All the matches in Brazil will start at 9 in the morning local time and the ‘prime time’ matches will be played at 12 noon. That would mean all the matches would be telecasted at a comfortable 5:30 and 8:30 in the evening according to Indian Standard Time.
- A new innovation will be added to the game to make it more beautiful – Strategic time out. After every 15 minutes, teams can take a breather for not more than seven minutes where they can discuss their strategy. A couple of ads might float around in this break. The last line is yet to be confirmed.
- The player with the maximum goals would wear the Tanishq golden chaddi. The goal keeper with maximum saves would wear the Kamasutra condom – Always safe Chaddi. The border of the shorts would be adorned with condoms popping out. This innovation is strictly for creating awareness.
- After every game, the players would fly to Mumbai to attend a post-match party. Modi would suggest that the players drink heavily so that they sleep throughout the journey back to Brazil for their next match. This would negate the factor of jet lag and the players can train the next day with a fresh state of mind.
- After the games, Lalit plans to organize a Champions League where he would invite the top 3 teams of the World Cup to play in India with India being the 4th team. It has been taken for granted that India would never reach the top 3.
- When asked why such a point would be taken for granted, Lalit will say that he would do a Maradona and run naked on the streets of Delhi if India makes it to the top 3.
- On hearing the above statement, there would be panic on the streets of Delhi. The sale of opaque glasses would increase. These glasses coincidently will be manufactured by Lalit’s company.
- An NGO will file a PIL against Modi for his comment. More publicity.
- In order to restore the lost sanity on the streets of Delhi, the Indian football team will then issue a statement and assure the people of the country that they would not reach the top three in the World Cup under any circumstances.
- And finally Lalit will have the last word. “When will we develop a sense of humour?” Aghast by his country’s lack of sense of humour and inspired by India TV, Lalit will then start his dream comedy news channel.
This article has been sponsored by Colgate so that Lalit does not send me a 15000 page notice and I do not spend the rest of my youth reading it.
Oh, and does your Toothpaste contain salt?
Disclaimer – The above article is fictitious. All quotes and facts in this article have been made up.
